The Mourning After

 

I don’t remember how I got home last night

I woke up hungover

                                                                             Last night was a blur

Drank too much

Head still pounding I take a shower

                                                                             Removing the smell of her sweet perfume

Washing away the evidence

Aspirin won’t remedy

This emptiness

                                                                             This grin

I want this stench off me

Scrub off stains left by red hands

Never feel clean

This morning I don’t recognize my reflection

                                                                             I’m glowing

Hope nobody notices

I don’t want to explain

What I don’t want to remember

                                                                              I was watching her dance all night

I don’t even remember seeing him

                                                                              She turned my way and gave me this look

The room was spinning

                                                                              She grabbed my arm

Intoxicated I lost my ability to stand

                                                                              I swept her off her feet like Prince Charming

I started to feel sick

                                                                              She said “take me to bed,”

                                                                               so of course I obliged

 

What happened next is so hard to remember

 

A nightmare I relive every time I sleep on my side

                                                                                 A drunken hook up at a house party

I couldn’t believe she wanted me

it all happened so fast

In the darkness

Half conscious

So wasted

Fumbling with

Bra straps

Zippers

Belt buckles

Pants pulled to my ankles

Unknown hands invading me from behind

Plucking clothes off like flower petals

She loves me, she loves me not

I wonder what makes a corpse look sexy

She looked like Sleeping Beauty

My stiff body reacts like rigor mortis

She want me to do all the work

and I’m ready for the challenge

Cold

Uninviting

Begging

She wants it so bad

Too drunk to move

Too drunk to ask…

Stop

Words muffled by the silence of ecstasy

No!

Don’t!

Stop!

“No, don’t stop!”

We slip into bliss

Blacking out

Into full body relief

He’s taken everything from me

I’m giving her all that I have

Struggling

Shhh….I hold her still

He holds me down

I make a canvas of her

Painting my passion across her hollow frame

I’m crying

She’s moaning

Muffled by pillows

She might love me….

I can hear her heart beat

This experience is out of body

Helplessness burned so hard into memory

When it’s over I feel kind of bad…

I don’t even remember her name

Assault changes everything

Women can get the wrong idea

My body is no longer mine but a possession

It was a one night stand

at the end of one of those long work weeks…

Should I have expected it?

…and  some girls you’re only meant to

have incredible chemistry with once

I thought all rapes were committed

in dark alleys by strangers

I had been in a dry spell

Can I admit what happened?

She came at the perfect one…no pun intended

He punched a hole in me

I came, I saw, I conquered

A temple desecrated

A few moments of feeling loved followed by

the comforting monotony of being single again

Trying to forget.

Afraid to tell anyone for fear they will say

I asked for it

We danced a long dance

Like a physical contract

Does this “nice guy” realize

the damage he’s done?

I just hope she doesn’t bad mouth me

for not calling

Ignorance is no excuse for violation

My dignity was destroyed in a single act of dominance

Hey! That is bullshit!

He kidnapped beauty as a trophy of conquest

I never took anything! You gave it to me!

Lacerated vaginal tissue

I thought you liked it rough!

Violent examples of power

hidden under blankets of darkness.

 

You raped me!

Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong!

 

And I know what the definition of rape is.